The Three People You Meet When You Don’t Like ‘Schitt’s Creek’
Schitt’s Creek is not good. Let’s get that out of the way. Some of the performances may be lovely, but the show is not good. I am qualified to say this for two reasons.
One, I watch bad content to the point of obsession: Hallmark Movies, Murder She Wrote, C-List Netflix series, and the entire back catalog of Hart to Hart. I know bad television.
Two, I am more than familiar with the Schitt’s Creek genre and especially its stars. I watch Best In Show three times a month, more if it has been a particularly crappy month. Waiting for Guffman is my weighted blanket. It soothes me. I can recite entire scenes of What We Do In The Shadows, while drunk and sleep-deprived. Catherine O’Hara is basically Vivian, if she was Canadian. I want to marry Eugene Levy’s Mitch Cohen. I know the genre. I am the genre. I should love this show.
Despite being the audience for this show and having the world’s worst taste in popular culture, I do not like Schitt’s Creek. I am not confused about what Schitt’s Creek is. I’m not missing some vital piece of information about the show. I get it. I simply do not like it.
I make that distinction because when you do not like Schitt’s Creek, you are met on your journey into hell by three spirits. Each one is lying to you about how good Schitt’s Creek is because — and I cannot stress this enough — Schitt’s Creek is not good.
Hanger-In-There (HIT)
HITs just want you to not give up. Ever. On anything. They need you to know that if you “push through”, “commit” and “believe” that Schitt’s Creek will absolutely “pay off”. The pay off, as far as I can tell, is that you might cry at the season finale. What they never say is if you are crying tears of joy and relief that this long boring waking nightmare is finally over. You can cry for a far cheaper price than six seasons (at 30 minutes an episode and 10–12 episodes a season) of Schitt’s Creek. You can hit your pinky toe on the side of a coffee table. You can watch any of the top three best Tonya Harding made-for-television movies. Now, that’s a girl with a sob story and she manages to tell it in 90 minutes or less.
Choose Your Own Adventurer
The Choose Your Own Adventurer has the definitive roadmap for making Schitt’s Creek good. All you have to do is watch the first eight minutes of episode three (season one), fast-forward most of Roland’s scenes through the end of season two, binge episodes five through seven of season four ONLY, and then unfurl into the glory of episode five. That is called editing. The Adventurer wants you to post-edit six seasons of a television show to make it good. For free. If the people who made the show did not care enough to edit it, why should I? The Adventurer cannot say. They can only say that you can do it because they did it.
Schitt’s Priest
The Schitt’s Priest does not care if Schitt’s Creek is good. They only care that it is moral. Somewhere in the course of the show, apparently one of the characters becomes a marginally better person than they were when the show started. That scene must be transformative because the priest cannot stop talking about it. You see, a person was BAD and then they became good and, well, that’s basically Jesus. If you do not want to see Jesus, then maybe the problem is with you and not with Schitt’s Creek. Or, so the Priest suggests. The thing is, Jesus has a nut graf. You get to his character arc in a good one hour read or two hour Baptist sermon. Jesus understands when to leave a party, is what I am saying. These Schitt’s people come over and stay, honey.
The HIT. The Adventurer. The Priest. All of them really want you to watch Schitt’s Creek. As far as I can tell, the best reason any of them can give for you doing so is that they did it and survived. They are natural child-birthers and Cross-fitters and vegans, all rolled up into one. Ultimately, Schitt’s Creek is good because they survived and you should too.
Of course, I am still watching Schitt’s Creek. I am weak. I also did a Cross-fit Groupon once. But, I will never tell you to fail as I have failed. Save yourself. Murder She Wrote is on Youtube.
